I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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