this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
