I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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