From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
