Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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