She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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