I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
