So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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