Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
