this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
