I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
