i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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