Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
