What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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