I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
