She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
