I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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