i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
