Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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