Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
as a side note pls kill me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
