you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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