just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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