I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
