4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
