you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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