I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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