I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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