i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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