Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
