i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
