rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
