I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
