my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
