I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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