im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
