A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
