I think my fart just growled at me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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