I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Drunk is a universal language darling
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