did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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