I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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