i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize