I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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