You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
