Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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