Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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