I accidentally burped into my bong.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
