I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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