her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
