my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
