Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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