your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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