The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
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Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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