a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
