I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I need a beard to bite.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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