My room smells like vodka and shame
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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