Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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